October

Gosh where has the time gone!?  It’s November already and I didn’t post once in October!  Sorry everyone! 

So what have I been up to?? Well on the wanting a baby front… I am still hoping and trusting!  As time goes on I continue to trust that my God will bless us with a baby.  I pray and memorise scripture and when I am feeling down I recite it, over and over again.

On the 14^th October hubby and I had an appointment at the Regional Fertility Clinic in Belfast.  It was our first appointment there and my expectations were high.  I was imagining being told that I would be booked in for a laparoscopy.  That didn’t happen.  Instead more blood tests and unfortunately more waiting.  Our next appointment will be at the end of January / February 2013.

I’m so thankful that I live in a country where we get treatment free on the NHS.  But I really struggle with the waiting lists and how long it takes to get results and appointments.  Hopefully 2013 will be a year of answered prayer.  I dream of the day when I can experience the joy of telling family, that I am expecting. 

Please God someday.

Keep Calm and Wait On...

"My soul is in deep anguish.  How long, Lord, how long?"

Psalm 6 v 3

Special blessings are yours when God has your attention and you give God time.  He wants you to move on His schedule and at His pace.  He wants you to be at rest and at peace...  He wants your waiting times to be growing times...  He wants you to be still and know that He is in control.  He is never late.  Wait quietly, wait patiently, wait attentively.  He makes all things beautiful in His time.

Author Unknown.

Worship

When infertility hits, the force sends you crashing through life and the impact can be felt throughout many areas.  The impact is like a stone thrown into a lake, sending ripples throughout your world.  

For a few years I was a member of the worship team in my church.  Half way through that time we started trying to conceive and I was an emotional wreck.  It affected my relationships with friends and family, I was grumpy and my attitude was sour.  My heart was brittle and I knew that if it cracked, the dam would break.   The anxiety made me tired and  it affected my attendance at church.  So I hid.  I hid from anything that could hurt my heart and deepen the cracks.  When I lead worship, I put on the performance of my life and pretended until the service was over.  

It took a year and a lot of prayer and courage before I finally stepped away from the worship team.   I was dishonouring God by not worshipping Him the way He deserved.  I am now thankful for what He has taught me.  

Worship is an overflow of your heart.   It isn't a performance, something you're pretending or putting on.  Worship is about getting personal with God and drawing close to Him.  Now I worship and the tears run freely.

Planetshakers

Nothing Is Impossible

Through You I can do anything

I can do all things

'Cause it's You who gives me strength

Nothing is impossible

Through You blind eyes are open

Strongholds are broken

I am living by faith

Nothing is impossible 

I'm not going to live by what I see

I'm not going to live by what I feel

Deep down I know that You're here with me

And I know that You can do anything

I believe, I believe

I believe, I believe in You

Happiness

"My bride, my very own, you have stolen my heart" Song of Solomon 4:9


He pulls me into a tender hug and strokes my hair, "I didn't marry you to have children, I married you to have you".


I breath him in and think, thank you Lord for my wonderful husband.

When friends or family say the wrong thing...

Over the years I have told a few select people about our infertility struggles.  Sometimes I get good compassionate responses and sometimes I don't.  Here is a little taster of some of the tough responses you may expect, if you do decide to share your story with others.

"You aren't practicing enough!!!"

"Relax!!!"

"Have you considered adoption?"

Ok so those, I was able to cope with but wait for the big one...

"I don't think life would be very fulfilling without children..."

Yikes.  

So ladies, share your stories with me.  What mix of responses have you had?

Infertility and its many meanings...

In the medical world infertility is defined as "the failure of a couple to conceive a pregnancy after trying to do so for at least one full year".

In my world it is defined as "the suffocator, isolator, soul destroyer, the all consuming thorn in my side, the fertile weed that creeps into my heart and tries to destroy what is left of my hope".

I think you get the idea...

When I first started on this journey, not being able to conceive was immensely crushing for me.  I could feel the walls closing in and I didn't feel like I could cope.  Not understanding what was going on, coupled with the chains of anxiety weighed me down and I felt like I could snap at any time.

Apart from my husband, I didn't have anyone to talk to who understood my pain.  I was angry with God, so I rarely talked to Him.  I was judgemental of other people who had children, so I stayed away from them.  I would make excuses for not going to see friends or family and I tried everything to get out of going to church.  I isolated myself from a lot of people, putting strain on important relationships in my world.  

I was living in a victim mentality.  I was letting the enemy use my pain to destroy me.  

Don't make the same mistake.   

Pray and ask for strength to be able to cope with infertility.  Even if you are angry, tell God how angry you are.  Some communication is better than none at all.  Read your bible it is food for your soul and God will reveal Himself to you through it.  If you have no one to talk to, search on the internet and try to find a good infertility support network.  There are plenty of forums.  You will find great advice and new friends.  I thank God every day for the friends that I found online.

If you need prayer or a friend, please contact me.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Philippians 4 v 6

When I want, doesn't always get.

When I was little my favourite thing to do at the shops, was to run around pointing out to my parents the things that I wanted.  "Daddy I want some sweets", "Mummy I want a new doll".  I want this, I want that.  My parents didn't have much money, as there were four of us.  But they always did their best and sometimes when they just couldn't afford that new doll, my dad would say.  "I want doesn't always get Hannah".  I never really believed him, until a few years ago.

I always got what I wanted.  In school I was generally average in most subjects, apart from art.  In art I excelled.  I was passionate about being the best in my school and I was.  I prayed to God that He would give me top marks in art and He did.  I studied it all the way to degree level and graduated with 1st Class Honours.  The summer after I graduated, I married my wonderful husband.  God was good to us, we were blessed with great friends and family, good jobs and a beautiful home.  So far I was getting what I wanted.  My dreams and plans for the way I wanted my life to go, were working out great.  Everything changed in May 2010.  That's when we started trying to conceive and we have been trying ever since.

This journey has been the hardest of my life.  I've learnt what it's like to experience grief and anxiety and dreams torn apart.  I know what it means to be deeply troubled.  As a women I have suffered with feelings of shame, because my body isn't working properly and I don't understand why.  But despite all of the heartache, I have reached a new level in my faith.  I have learnt what it really means to depend on God and to put my trust, my life and my marriage in His hands.

I refuse to let infertility bring me down any longer.  I'm going to use it, to propel me up.  I'm going to sow some seeds, watch them grow and take over this barren valley of darkness.  Starting with this post.

This is my journey and what I have learnt along the way.  My prayer is that you find hope and comfort from this blog.  You aren't alone.

"Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, 

will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them."  

Psalm 126 v 6