When I want, doesn't always get.

When I was little my favourite thing to do at the shops, was to run around pointing out to my parents the things that I wanted.  "Daddy I want some sweets", "Mummy I want a new doll".  I want this, I want that.  My parents didn't have much money, as there were four of us.  But they always did their best and sometimes when they just couldn't afford that new doll, my dad would say.  "I want doesn't always get Hannah".  I never really believed him, until a few years ago.

I always got what I wanted.  In school I was generally average in most subjects, apart from art.  In art I excelled.  I was passionate about being the best in my school and I was.  I prayed to God that He would give me top marks in art and He did.  I studied it all the way to degree level and graduated with 1st Class Honours.  The summer after I graduated, I married my wonderful husband.  God was good to us, we were blessed with great friends and family, good jobs and a beautiful home.  So far I was getting what I wanted.  My dreams and plans for the way I wanted my life to go, were working out great.  Everything changed in May 2010.  That's when we started trying to conceive and we have been trying ever since.

This journey has been the hardest of my life.  I've learnt what it's like to experience grief and anxiety and dreams torn apart.  I know what it means to be deeply troubled.  As a women I have suffered with feelings of shame, because my body isn't working properly and I don't understand why.  But despite all of the heartache, I have reached a new level in my faith.  I have learnt what it really means to depend on God and to put my trust, my life and my marriage in His hands.

I refuse to let infertility bring me down any longer.  I'm going to use it, to propel me up.  I'm going to sow some seeds, watch them grow and take over this barren valley of darkness.  Starting with this post.

This is my journey and what I have learnt along the way.  My prayer is that you find hope and comfort from this blog.  You aren't alone.

"Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, 

will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them."  

Psalm 126 v 6